...via Abnormally Normal
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
So, do you live around here often?
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?